


one more time with feeling

by dicax



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Temporary Character Death, This is just a prologue the main body will be in more traditional narrative format, eventual hurt/comfort, first chapter is.. kinda brutal but it gets better, gratuitous plagiarism of the beck depression inventory, in an incredibly broad sense, like...... heavvvy angst, perceived abandonment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 13:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19377871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dicax/pseuds/dicax
Summary: The emptiness of living without a heart affords an implicit solution, a missing piece, a problem to be fixed.There is no such luxury for the emptiness of livingwithone.





	one more time with feeling

**Author's Note:**

> all internal sans indentations, things are only filtered insofar as saïx is repressing them. starts post-358/2 days and runs until immediately before kh3. largely dependent on the [saïx heart theory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19329115), so it might be worth a glance

 

> -Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose? Inevitably they destroy themselves.

 

Never in my life have I had a problem giving another person what they want from me. There was never a discussion about which of us was going to play the bootlicker and I knew you weren’t going to ask. Because it was a given. You wouldn’t have made it a week without spitting in his face. Not that it matters now. You have other priorities. The task is mine alone. 

* * *

 

> -Hearts? You don’t have any hearts.  
>  -We remember what it was like.

_I remember_. And  _how_. I catch momentary frames and I cannot suppress this awful physical fucking aching longing I have for you. You’ve touched me so fucking deep and I cannot be the one to do that for you. I cannot believe that I am the only one who remembers. That I suffer under the weight of this abandoned memory and you feel nothing. 

Toward me. 

Remember feeling, rather. 

Just remember. 

There has never been anyone else. Not when we existed and not since we haven’t. That would be impossible. It  _would_ be impossible.

 _You seemed lonely_ , the witch had said and you denied it but she was right, she was fucking right. It’s not fair. 

It isn’t real why are you trying why does it matter to you it isn’t real. It couldn’t be, could it? We  _were real_ , once, does that mean nothing to you? Do I mean nothing to you? 

> -There’s something I’ve meant to ask,  
>  -About Axel. The poor fool. Trying to hard to retrieve what he has lost when it may never have existed in the first place. He deserves nothing more than our pity.
> 
> [A very long silence.]

I am not lonely and I am not the irrational one here. This is an act. You’re the one who’s chasing a mirage. I will not follow.

I feel nothing. 

This is all an act, this is an act, this is an act, THIS IS AN ACT.

I have been dead for a long time and I will not let myself believe you’re not. 

You are a traitor defecting to a side that doesn’t exist. 

 

I. Don’t know what to do now. 

_There has never been anyone else._

It’s your fault. It’s all your fault. 

I’ll destroy you.

 

Oh. 

 

Oh alright. Always have to be one step ahead, thanks for that. 

        Fuck.

              FUCK.

                                   I—

Fuck you for giving up on meusyourselfher.  _He couldn’t stand the emptiness of being without a heart._ Fuck you for being too weak to survive this can’t you see I’m treading water here too? You think I don’t want an out that passes for feeling something?  _He was nothing and is nothing._ Fuck you for leaving me to do it by myself and fuck you for dying.

But it’s done. You are. Idle fantasy, outright preclusion, does it really matter? If I make it out then maybe somewhere down the line I’ll go days without even thinking about it and you’ll still be dead. Still dead. Still dead. Still dead. Still dead, it’s all just

fucking 

over

 

and I must continue alone. 

 

> -Either way, he came out a winner.  
>  - **That’s absurd.**

_I am not as weak as you are_. Were.

I am not as weak as you were I will not stop trying I will gore you in the stomach over and over and over and over and over until your voice stops playing inside my head I will kill children while they beg for mercy you may have seen me at my worst but you have not seem the worst of me and I will not stop trying there has to be a reason there has to be this can’t be it where is my heart WHERE IS MY HEART I REFUSE I REFUSE I REFUSE DON’T LOOK AT ME 

> [Curtain drops.]  
>  -It’s alright now.  
>  -DON’T LOOK AT ME.  
>  -It’s alright now, you’re alive.  
>  -Don’t look at me.  
>  [An extended silence.]  
>  -You’re alive.

* * *

 

I am [stricken] alive.

I breathe.

I fill time.

But I cannot fill this emptiness in my chest.

This singular burning need for which I would die.

_Where is my heart?_

 

I am dissatisfied and bored with everything.

I cannot cry.

I cannot sleep.

I am guilty; I am being punished.

I am disgusted with myself.

I failed.

I blame myself.

I  _am_ ————————I can’t stand it.

 

> -Enjoy it while it lasts, we’re gonna need you.  
>  -But I feel the same.  
>  -You’ll get used to it.  
>  -Are you listening to me? There’s nothing to get used to.  
>  -Sure there isn’t.

 

So he’d been right. Why was he always fucking right?

> __Trying so hard to retrieve what he has lost, when it may never have existed in the first place._ _

It never existed in the first place. I thought I remembered, but I imagined it all. 

> __Can you feel their euphoria?__

No. No, this isn’t euphoria, this isn’t even living.

This is punishment.

The emptiness of being without a heart affords an implicit solution, a missing piece, a problem to be fixed. There is no such luxury for the emptiness of being with one.

The light at the end of the tunnel was a projection on a cement wall and I ran into it face fucking first. Chasing a mirage. Not so different after all.

* * *

 

> __Enjoy it while it lasts, we’re gonna need you._ _

 

Fine. Being an empty husk is not a sacrifice once you know there is nothing worth hollowing out.

Behold the coveted light of despair,

Its glare unforgiving,

And ye too shall be driven into darkness.

 

Tools, at least, have purposes.

 

Laboring again under the weight of my errors, this too shall come to pass.

The weight of my errors. 

The weight.  _Purpose._

It is a battle I no longer wish to fight.

 

Perhaps being irreparable does not mean I cannot repair.

**Author's Note:**

> this is only about mr. saïx kingdomhearts and i have absolutely no ulterior motivation.
> 
>  
> 
> one more chapter in this style but things are going to get better i swear


End file.
